Skill Building Listening Exercises

Thank you to Kent Garborg, and Steve Gartland in Minneapolis, Minnesota

In an Alpha small group, our goal is to create a safe place where no question is too threatening, too hostile or naïve to ask. This is easier in theory than in practice. Becoming a good listener takes time and practice. Listening is not a passive exercise, but rather an active way to create an environment where life-changing dialog can occur.

Here are a few things to be aware of:

1. Communication roadblocks
2. Non-verbal skills
3. Possible responses to facilitate discussion
4. Skill building exercise
5. Suggested responses to the skill building question of suffering

1. Communication roadblocks

• Judging
  • Criticizing “Where on earth did you get that idea?”
  • Name calling “You are so stupid.”
  • Diagnosing “I think your problem is…”
• Sending Solutions
  • Ordering “You need to memorize John 3:16”
  • Threatening “Accept Christ right now– what if you die tomorrow?”
  • Moralizing “You must stop doing …”
  • Excessive or inappropriate questioning “You did what, when, where???”
  • Advising “Things would work out better for you if ….”
• Avoiding the other’s concern
  • Diverting “That is not important, but this subject is."
  • Logical argument “Well if that is true… then it must…”
  • False reassuring “That is nothing to worry about. It will all be fine.”

2. Non-verbal skills

• Encourage or discourage with body language.
  • During the talk, it is important that all Leaders and Helpers are attentive. This is not the time to socialize with each other or take a nap.
  • During the small group, sitting forward in your chair can be helpful to encourage others to participate.
• Set the tone and environment of your group. If during the first few weeks a question is asked and the Leader or the Helper jumps in to answer it, this will send a message that we are not really interested in what the guests have to say.
• Be deliberate in showing affirmation towards the person as well as their comments, but not necessarily conveying agreement with them.
• Look into the person’s eyes and remember to SMILE.

3. Possible responses to facilitate discussion

Clarification questions

• Use when there is confusion or uncertainty
• Use to make sure you understand what was asked
• Use to reflect back to the speaker what you heard

Open-ended questions

• Use these questions to solicit further comments from the speaker or group
• Offer encouragement and invitation to say more
• May be directed to the speaker or the entire group

Redirecting questions

• Use to redirect the discussion to include more of the group
• Use to move the focus of the discussion away from just one person
• Use to refocus the discussion back to the main point

Reflective/ feeling questions or statements

• Use these questions with emotional responses, questions, or statements
• Convey concern, acceptance, empathy, interest
• Affirm and legitimize what was expressed

4. Skill building exercise

This exercise is designed to be a supplement to the Alpha "Small Groups" and "Pastoral Care" training. This can be helpful for Leaders and Helpers who have already been through training at least two times. We suggest that you have your Leaders and Helpers break up into groups of 2 or 3 and actually attempt to answer the question below about suffering. Try to use a few of the questions/statements listed above to help you facilitate the discussion time more effectively. Then take time to review the suggested responses below to aid your learning process. Example question: “One question that’s always bothered me is, ‘why does God cause suffering?’ It’s not evenly distributed. Some people, entire countries, suffer so much while others seem to lead charmed lives. I don’t understand how a ‘loving God’ could allow such injustice. It isn’t fair.”

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5. Suggested responses to the skill building question of suffering

Clarification:

• Can you explain what you mean by saying God “causes” suffering?
• Are you saying that you believe that God has willfully created suffering?
• Can you define what you mean by “cause”?

Open-ended:

• This is a good question! Do you believe that God wants us to suffer?
• If you believe that God causes suffering, then do you also believe that there are reasons for it?
• How do you think we ought to react or respond when suffering comes?
• Is there more to this notion? Is God trying to accomplish something through suffering?
• Do you believe there is a difference between “causing” and “allowing”? In other words does God cause suffering or somehow allow it?
• What would you say to a friend struggling with this question?

 
Redirecting questions:

• What do others think about suffering?
• Does anyone else believe that God “causes” suffering?
• When you experience suffering, how do you respond?
• How does your experience of God change during times of suffering (if at all)?
• Could there be other “causes” of unequal suffering in the world?
• Does this relate to what we have been discussing today in a notable way?

Reflective/feeling questions or statements:

• You know, it is hard when people suffer. It does seem unfair! How do others feel about this issue?
• How does this idea fit when you consider your own life experiences? Is there truth in this, or is something else going on here?
• Is it frightening to anyone to consider the idea that God may be the cause of suffering? 
• Does suffering have anything to do with our state of being? What does the idea of a “fallen world” mean to anyone?
• Does suffering benefit us in any way? I know that I don’t like to admit it, but I think it does. How do you feel about that?
• I feel confused and disappointed when I suffer. Does anyone else ever feel like that? How should God protect us?

Remember, when in doubt about how to respond to a question it is usually safe to simply say, “That is a valid question. Does anyone in the group want to comment on that?”

It is also extremely important to remember that your role as the small-group leader is to facilitate discussion, affirm each person present, and model safe and healthy interactions. Your role is NOT to be the “answer person” or the “teacher”. That role belongs to the Holy Spirit, and He is present with you.

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