Back by popular demand
Week 1 - Who is Jesus?
I once heard about a wealthy Texan who had an impressive ranch in Texas. On his ranch, he had a HUGE floodlit swimming pool and in this swimming pool he kept a SHARK. The rich Texan loved to throw lavish dinner parties and would invite his guests up around the pool afterwards. Then he would say to them, “If any of you will swim a length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, or half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”
Well one evening as he was saying this....and he always said before he finished, “but I must warn you before you do so, there is a shark in the pool.”....
Well one evening as he was saying this, there was a splash, and a man, very nicely dressed, swam the entire length of the pool chased by the shark. He got out of the pool just in time as the shark thudded into the wall.
The Texan said, “Congratulations you are the first person who has ever done that!!
Now what would you like? Would you like $10 million?” The man gasped, “No thank you.” He said, “Would you like half of my estate?” The man said, “No thank you.” He said, “Ahh, you want the hand of my daughter in marriage?” The exasperated man said, “No thank you!”
So the Texan said to him, “Well what do you want?” He said, “I want the name of the man who pushed me in.”
Week 2- Why did Jesus die?
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off without realizing his error.
In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a pastor of many years who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.
The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:
To My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has-been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
PS: Sure is hot down here
Week 3 - How can I be sure of my faith?
How to get to heaven
A pastor was doing a teaching for the children and began to ask them these questions.
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" he asked the children.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" he asked.
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!!"
Out of gas
A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: “Now that is what I call faith!”
Week 4 - How and why should I pray?
Tonight’s subject is prayer. Some people are very proud of the fact that they don’t pray, others are proud of the fact that they do pray. I heard of one family who had some visitors coming to lunch and they wanted to show-off to their visitors how well they had bought up their children and how well their children prayed.
So when it came to lunch they said to their son, Johnny, “Johnny, why don’t you pray?” Johnny looked rather embarrassed and he said, “I can’t.” So, the mother just whispered to him, “Johnny, just say what Daddy said at breakfast.”
So he shut his eyes and said, “Oh God [pause] why do we have to have these awful people over for lunch today?”
Time and eternity
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. “God,” he said, “how long is a million years?”
God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.”
The man thought for a moment and then asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God answered, “Well to ME, it’s just a penny.”
With this, the man thought a moment longer. Finally he asked, “God, can I have a penny?”
God answered, “In a minute.”
Week 5 - How and why should I read the Bible?
Tonight’s talk is on the subject of the Bible, and one of the things the speaker may encourage you to do is begin to find your way around the Bible. You never know when it may come in handy.
I heard about a pastor who was visiting....he was in a rural area of _______ (fill in a rural area of where you live) ...and he was visiting one of his parishioners, this was a middle-aged woman.
He went to the door, he rang the doorbell and there was no response, so he rang again, he could see there was a light on and again no response. He went round to see and there was a radio on and a light was on. This is strange, he thought, and decided to just leave a note. Revelation 3, verse 20 came to mind and he wrote a little note to her saying: ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with them and they with me.’ He thought this was a very appropriate verse and he put it through the mailbox and walked away.
The following Sunday he saw the woman in church and she came up to him and just handed him a little note. When he looked at his note he saw that she had also written a verse on her note, and she had written this: Genesis 3, verse 10, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, so I hid.’ “
Ax and two 38's
There was a lady who lived by herself. One day she came home and found her house was been robbed and the robber was still there! Well, this lady was very well versed in the Bible and so she shouted at the robber, “Acts 2:38!” That’s the Bible verse that says “… repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of your sins…” Well, the robber stopped dead in his tracks. He sat calmly and waited while the lady called the police.
The police arrived and proceeded to arrest the robber. The policeman noted that the robber was somewhat of a burly guy and the lady was a small, petite thing. Well, this intrigued the policeman so much that he finally asked the robber, “Why didn’t you just run or something? She is so much smaller than you. All she did was yell a Bible verse at you.”
The robber looked up at the policeman with a look of shock. “A Bible verse? What? The policeman says “Yeah, a Bible verse.” The robber just can’t believe this and tells the policeman… “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s!”
Week 6 - How does God guide us?
Meeting with future son-in-law
A man was very eager to meet his future son in law. His daughter had gotten engaged unexpectedly and this weekend would be their first time meeting him. He told all of his friends at work he had a whole list of questions to ask this young man.
On Saturday morning he invited his soon to be son-in-law out for a cup of coffee. As they began to talk, the father quickly found himself asking the questions that were weighing on his mind.
“Do you have a job? I know you just finished college and all, but how do you plan to support yourself and my daughter?”
The young man paused and said, ‘Well, God will provide.”
The father then asked his second question, “Where do you intend to live? Do you have a house or apartment lined up for after the wedding?” The young man paused and again, and with much conviction said, “God will provide.”
The father waited a few moments before launching into his third question. “Son, do you have any money? Any savings? A financial nest egg?” The young man looked him right in the eye and said again, “God will provide.”
The following Monday all of the father’s co-worker were curious to find out how it had gone meeting his future son-in-law.
The father smiled and said, "I kind of like the kid. He thinks I am God!”
Bush and Moses
George Bush was traveling through an airport just recently when he saw a man that looked just like Moses. He had longer, white hair, had a shepherd’s staff, he was wearing a cloak and holding onto two stone tablets. George goes up to him and says, “Pardon me, but are you Moses?” The man doesn’t even acknowledge him. He doesn’t look and him or say anything.
Again, George says, “Excuse me – you look just like Moses – are you?” The man still does not respond in any way.
By now, George is starting to get irritated… he’s not getting any answers! About this time a secret service agent approaches and asks if there is a problem. George tells him – “I’ve asked this guy if he is Moses two times and he hasn’t even responded to me!” The secret service agent looks at Moses and asks “So, are you Moses? Why won’t you talk to us?”
Moses finally looks at the secret service guy and says “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert.”
Weekend or Day Away
Did you hear about the recent incident at the _______Zoo? (fill in your local Zoo’s name). Their famous Gorilla, Gabe, died unexpectedly and he had been one of the biggest attractions – especially for the children.
Well, since the busy season for the zoo was just around the corner and they did not have time to get a new gorilla, one of the zookeepers came up with this idea. They had one of the other zookeepers dress up in a complete gorilla outfit and pretend to be Gabe. This zookeeper really took to this new job and he got to be quite good at swinging from the branches, eating bananas and was fooling everyone.
One day, however, he was a bit too enthusiastic. He ended up swinging a bit higher than expected and let go at the wrong time. He ended up sailing out of his cage and directly into the cage of the lion. He gulped and was barely able to squeak out a tiny “help!”
The lion sauntered over to him, got really close and whispered back. “Shut up, or we will both lose our jobs!”
Billy Graham and the limousine
The Rev. Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel.
He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?" The trooper said,
"No, even more important." It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief. "No, even more important," replied the trooper. "It isn't the President George Bush, is it?" "No," replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief. The trooper responded: "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
Jacob and the Pharmacist
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Perfect. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Week 7 - How can I resist evil?
The car accident
A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
One for you, one for me
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me, and one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
Week 8 - How and why should I tell others?
The Alpha Celebration supper on (give date) is a wonderful time to bring friends who may be interested in seeing what you’ve been up to for the last 10 weeks and finding out about Alpha for themselves. One of the main things that we do at the suppers is clear up some of the misunderstandings about the Church.
One of the reasons that there are so many misunderstandings is because we often send out misleading messages about what we’re about.
I don’t know whether you are familiar with the sort of information that can be found in Sunday bulletins, but someone made a list of some of the most humorous ones. These are actual printed church bulletins. Let me give you some examples.
One church had this, ‘This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.’
Another one wrote this, ‘Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk come early.’
‘Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mother’s Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the Pastor in the study.’
‘This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.’
‘The service will close with “Little Drop of Water”. One of the ladies will start quietly and then the rest of the congregation will join in.’
‘On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.’
Another church had this notice, ‘A Bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.’
Finally this, ‘Tonight’s sermon: “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.’”
The Alpha Celebration supper on (give date) is a wonderful time to bring friends who may be interested in seeing what you’ve been up to for the last 10 weeks and finding out about Alpha for themselves. One of the main things that we do at the suppers is clear up some of the misunderstandings about the what it means to be a Christian.
One of the reasons that many are confused about what it means to be a Christian, is because we can say and do things that are quite alarming as this story illustrates.
There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning, when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed, he said, “Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door.”
Soon after he opened his shop, the first man came in and said, “I want a shave!” The barber said, “Sure, just sit in the seat and I’ll be with you in a moment.” The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, “God, the first customer came in and I’m going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen.”
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying, “Good morning sir. I have a question for you…are you ready to die?”
Week 9 - Does God heal today?
A young bricklayer was having difficulties with his insurance company. He responded to them this way. “I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!”
Week 10 - What about the Church?
How's your hearing?
A man went to the doctor for his annual physical examination. After the doctor had examined the man, he asked “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss today?” The man thought a moment and said “Yes, as a matter of fact there is. My wife has gotten so hard of hearing that often she doesn’t hear me…and she refuses to get her hearing checked. What can I do about this?”
The doctor thought for awhile and then said “I have an idea for you. Next time you see her and she is not looking, say something to her and see if she hears you. Then see how close you have to get before she hears you. Let me know what happens.”
So the man went home and went into the Great Room with the living room, eating room and kitchen. He saw his wife with her back to him and she was at the kitchen counter getting dinner ready and he stood at the far end of the Great Room. So he asked in a reasonable voice, “What’s for dinner tonight Honey?” As usual, she did not respond. So he took a few steps closer and said again “What’s for dinner tonight Honey?” Again she did not hear him and there was no response. So he took a few steps closer and asked a third time “What’s for dinner tonight honey?” Again there is absolutely no response. So he gets right up behind her and asks again “What’s for dinner tonight Honey?”
At this point she turns around and faces him and says “For the FOURTH time, Beef Stew!!!!”
Celebration Supper (beginning and end)
Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher
Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler, Brutus. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under ANY
circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!!"
To which the parrot replied: "GET HIM, Brutus!!"
Divorcing after 45 years - Appropriate to tell around Thanksgiving Time
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares."
Good News/Bad News
A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news."
The man asks for the good news first: "The good news is that you have 24 hours to live", says the doctor.
The man, incredulously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??"
"I couldn't reach you on the phone yesterday."
Entertaining Airline statements
Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.
Why am I so tired?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
• The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
• There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
• Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
• This leaves 19 million to do the work.
• Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
• Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
• There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
• Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
• You and me . . . and you're sitting there listening to jokes.
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
So the couple go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.
“We’ll ship her home,” says the guy.
The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”
The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”